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Dear Editor:

YOU SHOULD BE FIRED. Make America Great AGAIN!

Yours,

Vladimir Putin Smith

Macedonia, Pennsyltucky

Unlike editorial cartoonist Rob Rogers, who just got laid off at the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, I’m incredibly lucky. My editor and my publisher have this cartoonist’s back. I have a dossier on both of them. So I’m good.

My cartoons and columns will be absent because I’m taking a vacation. I’m abandoning the front lines of our uncivil war for two weeks.

Dear Editor:

When Futz comes back from his Deep State meeting on George Soros’ secret island lair, DO NOT let him back in the building. He’s a HATER!

Don Jr.

Vacations are hard. I think about cartoons 24 hours a day. It’s impossible to stop because I love what I do.

CRAckhead Fitzsimmons:

Maybe YOU should STOP needling our PREsident. LET HIM DO the JOB we elected HIM to do! Build the WALL! Nuke IRAN!

Marty McSallY

What really has me sweating are the zillions of emails that will greet me when I come back. Being syndicated to hundreds of papers, I get at least a billion or more emails a day that demand a written response. OK, six or seven, tops. Answering them is a task I love, especially the ones written in all caps.

NEVER, EVER DRAW THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES AGAIN OR YOU WILL SUFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFERD BEFORE. FIRE AND FURY! BUILD A WALL!! LOCK HER UP!

DONALD TRUMP

PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

PS: GET USED TO IT, SNOWFLAKE!

When I return, I’ll have the joy of wading through thousands of such emails. But it will be worth it. A little rest and recreation will do me good.

Dear Editor:

Give Pitz a permanent vacation. MAKE YOUR RAG GREAT AGAIN!

Yours,

Vladimir Jones

Boris and Natasha’s Troll Farm

Tortolita, USA

If you live at the front, in the trenches of this acrimonious political tug-of-war, 24 hours a day, you can lose your mind.

Fitz lost his mind on election day! Lock him up with his crooked girlfriend, Hillary! Lock her up!

Mike “Songbird� Flynn

Prisoner #2215464728

Bideaway Federal Lockup

So, for my birthday, and the sake of my sanity, my wife, Ellen, surprised me with a trip to Europe. This stunned me. My idea of a big summer vacation destination has always been a lean-to in the White Mountains or a yurt in Ajo. Europe is the big leagues!

And the cool part is we’re going with a couple who are heading to Konstanz, Germany, to bring their delightful exchange-student daughter home. Their plan is to stay and tour the region for a few weeks while they’re there. And we’re tagging along, Ellen in the back seat, me in the trunk.

And what a time to be an American overseas.

Schnitzel peddler: That’ll be 4,000,000 euros. Sorry. The tariffs, you know. Trump! Vat a schweinhund ! Vere are you from?

Me: Umm … Luxembourg!

Schnitzel Peddler: Ha,ha,ha. Nein. You are not from Luxembourg. You haff an American accent.

Me: Ha, ha. You caught me! I’m Canadian. Go, Toronto Bluejays! Take off, ya’ hoser! Isn’t Trudeau great?!

Schnitzel peddler: You voted for Herr Drumph.

Me: Ha! If you only knew. Just fork over the schnitzel.

I am not worried about our hacienda. Ellen got an awesome house sitter for us. “I found him online. A Mt. Lemmon brown bear! He’s perfect for the job! He was ‘relocated’ because the Forest Service thought he was too cranky.�

I had to ask: “Too cranky?�

“Uh-huh. Some fool tourist knocked on the door of his den, and the next thing you know—hello, Wolverine on a bender!�

“So he’ll feed the cats?�

“And he’ll change their litter and make sure they get plenty of exercise.�

“Awesome, sweetheart. I’ll put the tarantulas in storage, roll up the rattlers and check the smoke alarm.�

As our democratic republic slides into an autocratic nightmare and Tucson bakes, I’ll be touring castles, cathedrals and historic sites memorializing the overthrow of a fascist authoritarian regime that rose to power by spreading hate, lying, scapegoating a religious minority, siding with supremacists, peddling promises of mythic greatness and mocking common human decency and the rule of law. What a great escape from the present!

In the joyous days ahead I’ll be ridiculing lederhosen, eating Black Forest cake in the Black Forest and asking myself, “Can I get this cuckoo clock cheaper on Amazon?� And the best part of all? I’ll be ignoring my emails. And any calls from the Pima County Sheriff’s Department regarding bear sightings in our neighborhood.